Attachments.....

Yet again, I've done it. I attached myself to someone and then lost them. I do this all the time.... but WHY? I'm tired of being vacant. Maybe that's it? Several people came before the J's, but I can't remember them all. Then came this girl... I won't even give her a fake name because her identity would be so obvious. It's probably even obvious to most of you now.

She's the most amazing girl on this entire planet outside my family and she's the best friend anyone could ask for. She's always there. I just can't begin to describe how incredible she is. There are no words perfect enough. So how did I lose her? I told her things she was doing that she didn't realize. Or she did, but she didn't care. I'm not sure which it was... either way, it hurt.

Drugs will destroy you. And every time she does drugs, I watch her destroy herself. And she's doing these drugs because she is hurting. I KNOW she's hurting. And it hurts me to see her like this. I know it's been this way since before I met her so WHY is it that I ALWAYS want to change the people that are out of my reach? WHY?!?! Because EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME I TRY, I LOSE SOMEONE IN THE PROCESS!

Brandon Heath said in his song "Give Me Your Eyes": "Give me your arms for the broken hearted. Ones that are far beyond my reach. Give me your heart for the ones forgotten. Give me your eyes so I can see."

I've tried to see through God's eyes. And I've tried to reach out to her. No matter what, I can't figure her out and that bothers me, because most of the time I understand why people do the things they do, but with her it's nearly impossible. Yet... I won't give up. I want to be the one person that's there for her all the time that won't give up on her.

But WHY? It's just the way I feel and I can't help it. I also wanted her to know that there are people ALL AROUND HER that love her to death. LOTS of people. Some of them don't care about her, but they still love her. That's about half of them. The other half, DON'T KNOW HOW to care. I felt like I was the one person that actually both loved her AND cared.... and I still do. I know her family cares about her and I know they love her but I'm talking about outside her family.

This girl has changed my life in a matter of only about 3 weeks.... so many people can easily change my life but they never do. She did. The J's changed my life and all the people that I attach myself to... they change me. Forever. And then... they're just gone.

Do I regret meeting these people? Not for a second. Because somehow I believe that though they changed me, maybe.... just maybe I changed them too. Maybe every time she takes a hit now, she'll think of what I said. Maybe every time the J's have drama with their dad... maybe they'll remember the girl that tried so hard to pull them out of that situation. Maybe every time Slinky takes a sip of beer, that's all he will take. Maybe he will put it down and pick up his bible and pray.

People in this world are struggling. I'm not the only one and 98% of the time, I forget that. We all NEED FAITH! We all need a Savior to love us and WE HAVE HIM but we are so caught up in what we are struggling with and we are so focused on hurting that we ignore Him. We put up a wall to block Him and His love out and fail to realize that NO WALL CAN BLOCK OUT HIS LOVE FOR US. It can crack ANYTHING to make its way through to us.

So stop trying to build walls. Listen to the people who care about you AND love you.... people like that only come around once in a blue moon.

"Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to."

Love and Blessings,

Jeanna

We're over. Hypothesized.

You probably already know this by now, or you predicted it would happen. Jim and I broke up a week ago. It was basically a mutual decision. It was just hard being away from each other and when you're emotionally but not physically attached to someone... people can get on your last nerve. Therefore, I'm single and pretty dang happy about it.

Life this past week has been pretty good. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I don't have to text anyone 24/7, I don't feel like I have to stay up til 11 or 11:30 on the phone. I'm happy. And it's the 1st time I've been truly happy in a very long time. I haven't blogged in awhile because I honestly forgot all about the blog until, well, now. So I'm updating you guys that actually give a ... care. *Cough*

Soo.. my birthday is on Tuesday! I'm so happy! I will be 15 and I can officially get my learners' permit.... if I beg my mom enough to let me. She says that she doesn't need me to get it yet. I'm like "YOU don't NEED ME to get MY learners' permit?!?!?! WOMAN! It's MINE!" I'm gonna be the only person over the age of 80 without a license or even a permit. Parents.

So today I went to eat dinner at Edohana with my sister and brother and parents. It was super fun! We laughed so hard at some things, we were crying. People around us probably think that the insane asylum had just released us. But we're just cool like that.

On Saturday my friends Ben and Marla are going to the mall with me to eat at Rainforest Cafe' and play mini golf. I was originally gonna go with the J's... but .... it just didn't work out. So yeah. But I'm really excited.

I better get to sleep. I'm starting a brand new week of school (which is going GREAT btw!).

Love and TONS of Blessings,

Jeanna

I hate myself.

I hate myself for doing this to him. I told him I didn't think he loved me. That if he really cared about me, at all, he would fight to be with me. While I still believe that, I should not have said it to him, and there's nothing really he can do.

I got so lonely. I haven't been hanging out with my friends lately, except once over the past like 5 months. And my mom hasn't been getting home til sometimes 9:30 P.M. and I just NEED somebody. I have God, but I need somebody immortal to just be there for me. I have the J's but they're 300 miles away and it just hurts. I'm so incredibly lonely. I just feel like I can't take it anymore.

I hate sitting in my room by myself when I get home until I go to sleep. I hate going to school and seeing people I talk to, but don't hang out with on the weekends, or talk that much with, knowing that when I get home, all the people disappear. I'm left with myself, and only myself. And that just plain hurts.

I hurt him. He told me he looked in the mirror and saw nothing. He compared himself to a broken egg shell. That is how I made him feel about himself when he is so much more than that. He's the one I want to see every night when I fall asleep, and every morning when I wake up. And I hurt him.... because of my hurt. I hurt him out of my own pain and HOW SELFISH IS THAT?!?!?!?!

I hate myself for doing this to him. I will never, ever forgiv myself.

I don't mean to complain so much.

I don't mean to complain... but right now I'm feeling pretty darn lonely.

I've made friends at school, but none of them are like my all time best friends. My best friends are 300 miles away. And that sickens me. I just feel really depressed. I don't really have anybody to talk to or hang out with, my mom is working LONG hours now, and my dad and I.... we're far apart. I miss my mom. I know I sound like a little kid when I say that but I do. I miss my mom SO much. This is the 2nd night in a row she hasn't eaten dinner with us. Last week, I went a whole 42 hours without seeing her. Now it's been close to 24. It's hard waking up in the mornings and she's already gone. I don't like living this way. At all. I need her now more than ever, and she's not here. And like I said, I don't have BEST friends at school to talk to. Jim, Spaniel, and Joey are my best friends.... and it feels like we are on seperate planets.

I miss Jim a lot too. Especially now. It gets harder and harder every day but it also gets easier to fake a smile every day. Except for today was very aggravating and depressing and .... bad. It was just terrible. And I hate it. I hate this. I hate being lonely. I hate missing people. I hate... hurting.

I want the J's back. NOW.

Free time

Free time is very limited right now. Tomorrow is Friday. Thank God! I keep thinking that after this week, no more school. Boy, do I need to change my mind about that. I'm really liking this year. Some of my classes are going to bore me tears but that's ok. The teachers are nice and I am pretty sure I can make new friends in all my classes so I'm trying. :) Haha. There's this kid in my 5th period who said he's going to be Michael Jackson for halloween and I started laughing so hard I almoost fell out of my chair. Freshman are so funny. I kinda miss being a freshman. I miss last year a LOT. That's what I know for sure.

I'm IN LOVE with musical theater. I know automatically that is absolutely my fave class. Varsity choir is fun... but I feel so... misplaced. Haha. I don't feel like I should be in there. There are so many talented people and we are learning this new song "Homage", and everyone can sing it right off the bat while I'm like "Wait.... how does this? Oh. Wait, no. WHAT???!" So... that's choir. Haha. But I love the sound that we have as a group.

So I HAD to blog today because it marks the 7 month anniverssary of the day my brother and I met the J's and the 1 month anniverssary of the day we said goodbye. It's so weird. It feels like it's AT LEAST been 3 months since I last saw the J's. I miss them so much. I thought it would get a lot easier once school started... but I'm still coming home all depressed after school. Like now, it's just like... I feel so alone. I mean I have friends at school.... but they are not my best friends.... and they definitely aren't the J's and I don't automatically get home and text or call them because I'm not close to them. What's weird is... I don't want to be close to them. I just want to have many acquaintences. But then what happens when tragedy hits? What is going to happen next time I lose someone? Am I going to be left alone? Yes. I mean I have God, but sometimes you just need an immortal. It's really hard. I DO feel alone. I know God has a plan... but it's HARD to figure everything out. :( I don't know what to do. Yet again, I'm lost.

Life.

Love and Blessings, Jeanna~*~ XOXO

Maybe.... just maybe.... everything is going to be okay.

"At this moment in time I should be bawling my eyes out. I've lost almost everything.... and I'm starting to think that just maybe... everything is gonna be okay." - Me

No. Jim and I have not broken up. But I lost somebody pretty important to me. I can't really tell you about her. As weird as that sounds. She has been one of the most incredible things that has EVER happened to me. I really only knew her for 3 days... and it's funny because at 1st she kind of scared me. But then she changed my life. I don't know how - honestly. But she did, and now she's gone, but I feel like God just waved his magic wand at me and now I feel like everything is going to be ok.

I'm starting to get excited (and very nervous) about the 1st day of school and the whole year. I'm REALLY looking forward to being in varsity choir and musical theatre. And those are at the end of the day which makes me even more happy because I can get all the required classes done at the beginning of the day and then have the enjoyable ones at the end. My friend Victoria and I have also talked about starting a support group for struggling teens at our school. Maybe we could get that up and running and do something great for the community.

So that's it right now. I mean Jim and I are closer now than I think we've ever been and I think being away from each other only makes us stronger. But I can hardly wait til October when I will see him again. I'm getting ready for the school year and getting my life back on track.

God is AMAZING - if you haven't found Him yet, I suggest you do so RIGHT NOW. The clock is ticking.

Love and Blessings, HAVE FAITH!, Jeanna~*~ XOXO

Lost and Broken.....

I'm still trusting God through this. I have to. But today is one of the worst days I've had in a long time. Yesterday was Jim and my 1st aniverssary. I think the main thing is that all day yesterday I tried to convince myself that I was happy. I smiled. I didn't cry. I told myself I was happy. Today... all that I held in yesterday is coming out. I told myself I would clean the floor of my room today before I blogged. Guess how well that turned out. My iTunes was on shuffle and "When You're Gone" by Avril Lavigne came on. I burst into tears. I'm still crying. And that happened an hour ago.

I used to dream about hanging out with the J's. After they left, I dreamt of it almost every night. Well lastnight for the 1st time, I dreamt not about being with them, but missing them. I'm DREAMING about MISSING THEM! And their faces are hazy in my dreams. They aren't clear. I can't picture their faces clearly without looking at pictures. Even worse I can't help but beat myself up over it. It was 4 weeks ago today that we said goodbye. It has only been 4 weeks. It feels like it's been 4 years.

Jim asked me today how I was. He always asks me how I am and I always say that I'm fine but today I couldn't even do that. I told him I'm breaking. I told him I'm falling apart. But I got an "I'm sorry." and I realized it's no use in telling him because it only makes him feel bad and he can't do anything about it. So why even tell him?

I don't want to be here anymore. I'm not suicidal. I don't want to end up in hell. But I do NOT want to be here. I wish God would just take me. I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to be missing Jim or the rest of the J's like this. I don't want to lose my mom like I am. I don't want to start the year when my dad and I haven't even spent a day together like he said we would. I want to see my sister again before the year starts. I want the J's to be here. I want my brother to stop hitting me all the time and ruining my stuff. I want my room to magically be clean. I don't want to ever have to have surgery again. I want to go back to Colorado like my mom said I would be able to before the school year started. I want the J's dad to stop being an asshole. I want my best friend back. I want everything to change from the way it is right now to perfect. But I can't change what's happening. And that part hurts more than anything - I can't change it. I just NEED somebody. Because I have NEVER felt so alone. And I HATE feeling this way. I just want everything to be over because I can't stop hurting no matter how hard I try and I'm just TIRED OF HURTING! And I don't know what to do anymore. I CAN'T do anything anymore. I'm FALLING APART. And all this PAIN and SUFFERING only gets worse.

You know the saying "Things have to get worse before they can get better."? It shouldn't have to get to a point this low to get to perfect. Because all the things that I mentioned cannot possibly change. But if I had to choose one - I want the J's back in my life. Because I feel that they are so detatched. But they won't be back for good. They will never be back for good and I CANNOT get my mind around that.

Wow.

So it's 12:24 AM. Jim and I started dating a month ago today. It seems like it's been years. I mean it seems like I haven't seen him in years. How am I gonna do this for much longer? I mean of course I don't mean I'm going to break up with him and I'm not saying I want him to break up with me. I don't know what I want at this point. Take that back. Yes I do. I want to be with him. I want to be able to see him every day and give him a hug when he's down. I want to be able to tell him I love him in person. I just want to be with him. Period. Not just "with him" as in "boyfriend/girlfriend". With him. Physically. Because we text all the time and we talk on the phone and it's not the same. If he got a webcam, that wouldn't be the same either because you can't hug the webcam. I mean what am I supposed to do? Today is supposed to be a celebration, and all I cam do is be sad. I'm trying to concentrate on other things but it's hard to do. HELL! What in the world? It's 12:45! I can go to sleep! What am I doing?

I'm going to bed! Goodnight all. :) Will blog tomorrow! Thank God for night time!

I almost lost....

the one thing that's important to me today. It's all I have left. And it was almost gone. For some reason, I feel like for the next couple of weeks, it will not be the same. And that's scary and it hurts. I'm just gonna try and make the most of what I have left. If it's not enough, then I don't know what will happen. I'm not even sure I know what happened today or what's happening right now. I feel like someone just died. Nothing but this 1 thing is important to me anymore. Nothing. Not even life. Well, God is. But this one thing is something I will never ever let go of, and I refuse to live without it. That's life right now. It's scary, and hurtful, and the farthest I've ever been from OK. But if anything, I have faith. I know God will work things out for the better. I'm leaving it in His hands, and trusting Him with it. As hard as that is to do, I'm going to. I have to. There's nothing else to do but wait and worry.

Yet I still blame myself for what happened today.

At this moment...

my entire world is crashing down. I don't know what is going to happen. All I can ask for is not sympathy, but prayer. If I lose this, my life is officially over.