Good grief.

I feel like it's been forever since I posted when I really only skipped one day.

So is anyone tired of reading about my "pain" and "sorrow". If so, click the 'X' button in the top right hand corner, because this is only getting worse.

So 3 days ago, I lost my best friend. I got her back, then lost her again yesterday. This time it was hardly my fault and this time she walked out all on her own. I'm sure she will not be back this time.

Has anyone ever said anything to you that was so hurtful, you felt like you had just been stabbed in the heart with a knife? That is happening to me a lot lately. If someone even implies that I'm fat, it hurts. I've heard it all before. I'm fat, I have a big forehead, I have a big nose, I'm a whale, etc. But it never hurt me so much until now. People are starting to beat a dead horse. I'm already down and it's like I don't need any criticism or judgement. If anything right now I need encouragement, but this cruel world hardly gives any of that now a days.

I have been telling myself "I can't let it offend me. I can't be pushed around like this. I won't let it happen." but I do.

Especially when the worst of it is now coming from my former best friend. I never thought she would say such things as she is saying now and it is non stop pain over and over and over.

I feel like I'm left with nobody. My brother is too young to understand any of this, my mom is wrapped up in her job. My dad and I don't really speak at all. I mean I can talk to the J's on the phone about it or text them about it. But they aren't here.

They're not here. And they won't ever be again but for maybe a couple of days to visit, then they'll be back in OK. That's hard. Knowing they won't be here this weekend, or the next, or the next. I feel like I've said this a million times. Like it's becoming deja vu.

I miss them. So much. I just felt complete when they were here. Now they aren't. I feel like a magnetic force has been broken. Like they were one magnet, Daniel and I were another, and those magnets that are always supposed to be together aren't there anymore. There's so much space between them.

The people that I've been closest to are always the ones that are taken away as soon as possible. I wouldn't be surprised if my mom or my brother died next week or even tomorrow. Who else can I possibly lose? Last time I said that, I got jinxed but this time.... it's different.

I died and came back to life. Only when I died, I didn't go where I expected to. There was a place filled with fire. There were screams of rage and hatred and fear from every direction. Bodies were burning everywhere I looked. I thought it was just a replay of the holocaust before I met Satan face to face. He's a creature, a deciever.... this slimy, rotten beast. Then I woke up. My nightmare was over. But it's not. I'm still living in it.

Lesson Learned:

Do NOT let a friend you've had for years walk out the door over one little thing. It will ruin your life more than you ever thought it could.

So... today I was on the phone with Jim, Spaniel, and Joe. Jim started saying really random stuff and I jokingly said "Are you drunk?" and he finds a window of opportunity to start convincing me that he really is drunk. He started laughing really randomly and belching a lot and saying "Hi" like a million times. Then I asked him to hand the phone to his brother Spaniel and before Spaniel started talking, I heard Jim whisper something to him which is when I was like "This is totally a prank." Spaniel then starts acting drunk on the phone. When I asked Spaniel what they were doing he replied "Rockin' out." and I was sooo not convinced they were drunk. It was quite funny actually. I then dragged my brother into my room and made him talk to Jim on the phone and told him I thought they were pranking me. He talked to Jim for awhile and was laughing hysterically at the entire thing. I decided then to get them back. When Daniel handed me the phone I started yelling at Jim "I am DEAD serious... If you don't STOP right NOW!" and he burst out laughing and I couldn't help but laugh myself. But then he goes "I'm sooorry." and I acted like I was really mad at him, called him a "jerk", said "We're over." and hung up the phone. He called me back and said "What was that about?" and I told him I was kidding. An eye for an eye and a .... prank for a prank! Hahaha. Great night. We are so pathetic, it's actually quite amusing.

So that was my funny moment of the day.

My friend that I haven't seen since 7th grade texted me today. She's so awesome and I miss her so much. We texted for a pretty long time. Caught up a little bit, hopefully made plans.

When confronted with a situation that appears fragmented or impossible, step back, close your eyes, and envision perfection where you saw brokenness. Go to the inner place where there is no problem, and abide in the consciousness of well-being.

God bless! Have faith in Him!

XOXO ~*Jeanna

Oh. My. Gosh.

So you know how I said things couldn't get any worse? I was wrong. They just did. I just lost my BEST friend!

WHEN IS ALL OF THIS GOING TO STOP?!?!?!

A Message To Parents

To the parents of kids who listen to music with profanity: Do not be surprised when it comes out of your child's mouth. If it enters the ears, it enters the brain, and escapes with the voice.

The Beginning

So I'm starting something new. Lastnight I totally forgot about my blog which is a sign. So now I may not blog EVERY day, just when I have something on my mind. I will continue "gabbing" about my life experiences.

Have you ever felt like you just wanted to scream at the world? Well.... I feel that way, and sadly I've been doing it too. I feel like screaming. At everyone. Even strangers. And I have been. I've lashed out at my best friends, my family, and my boyfriend. Everyone. I shouldn't be and I KNOW that but there are things building up inside of me that I'm just dying to scream out. this hurt is still happening. Just when I think the storm has passed, it comes back around again in a full circle.

I'm hiding from myself. Everytime I look in the mirror, I'm wearing a mask. It's a bright colored mask filled with symbols of happiness. Then, when I'm alone in my room blogging, and the mask comes off, there's a face that haunts me even in my dreams. There's this face of a 14 year old girl who acts like she's okay. But I've got the x-rays on this girl and on the inside, she's torn. Her bones are broken and she's lost tons of blood. And she's hiding from herself.

I found this picture and it says so much..... I don't know why. But it does.

The J's Xbox has broken. In Clancy's words, "We've lived several years without it, but now that we've had one, it's hard to live without one." I found it interesting that she put it that way, because that's how I feel about their family. I lived my entire life without the J's until January, and now that they're gone... things are hard. There's a difference between the 2 situations, though. The J's can get a new Xbox. I can't get another "J" family. It's a bad example, but you get my point.

No one will ever mean as much to me as they did. Ever.

Now that they've been taken from me, I don't know what to do.

8/6/09

Lie after lie after lie. Because EVERY SINGLE time he asks me how I am... I say that I'm fine.... and I'm NOT! I could NOT get worse.

This life is a maze, and I've hit a dead end. I miss him SO MUCH. I can't say anything or go anywhere without a lump rising in my throat and I have to swallow to push it back down. I'm just hurt. I just feel like a tower fell on top of me. I'm falling apart. "My faith has lost its' strength".

I'm just now starting to completely grab ahold of the fact that he's gone and won't be coming back to stay. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to grab ahold of. Just right now... my world is FALLING APART. My world, my heart, my whole body has shut down.

I have NEVER felt so low in my entire life.

8/5/09

Dear Diary,

I've kept big parts of my life a secret... until tonight. And when the truth came out in the open.... all hell broke loose.

I'm scared.

Why is this always happening?

My life is like a horror movie.

Love and Blessings, Jeanna

8/4/09

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

Dear Diary,

So yesterday it somehow slipped my mind that it's been a week since we said goodbye. Today made up for it. Today was hard. I cleaned my dressing room today and then was half asleep for the rest of the day. I felt like a zombie. Every once in awhile I would find myself crying and I wouldn't even actually realize it. It feels like it's been so much longer than a week.

Isn't something supposed to happen when things get to be this bad? I had 2 good days in a row - Sunday and Monday - then today.... I'm worse than I was all of last week. And I want to know how it's possible for that to happen. I guess things have to get worse before they can get better.

I hid my emotions all day. It seems like the easiest thing to do lately. It's like my entire life as of now is revolving around pain. And I want to know why this keeps happening. I lashed out at people today who totally didn't deserve it. I was just really... lost. If it hadn't been for the youtube vids, I wouldn't have even bothered to put on make up or get dressed. I know that if I put on make up, I'll just cry it all off.

I often find myself just staring at the ceiling. Everytime I look up there, I see Jim's face and I feel the slightest bit happier. But then... after a few seconds.... it fades away. It's like those pictures you stare at without blinking for 30 seconds, then you look at the ceiling or the wall and see the picture still.... only this is different. This picture that fades away is something that's actually meaningful to me. But it fades away and it's just like saying goodbye again. Only with these pictures, I can't be in his arms or lean my head on his shoulder. It's just a picture.

I'm at the point where I don't know what to do anymore. My brother is annoyed because every time he comes in my room, I'm crying and he already knows what's wrong, but he's gotten to where he doesn't care anymore. I'm just tired of hurting. Isn't everyone? I question why God loves us but then puts us through this heartache. Then I remember God went through so much more pain on that cross than we could ever possibly imagine. And I also have to remember that everything happens for a reason. But I'm tired. I'm tired of lashing out at everybody because I'm hurting. I'm tired of not being able to sleep or eat very much. I'm tired of telling people that I'm "okay" or that I'm "fine" when I'm NOT at all. But I feel like if I tell someone that I'm not ok everytime, it's going to get annoying and there's nothing anyone can do about it so what's the use? I'm breaking and I feel like I can't help it. I've tried everything. I'm lonely. Even out in the middle of crowds, I'm lonely.

Then I realized today that mine and Jim's 1 month anniverssary is on the 16th and I won't be able to see him on anniverssaries either. It just hurts. Not being able to be with him is torture. It's not just torture -IT'S HELL!

Then school starts on the 24th and I feel like I just need to see them one time before school starts - and then think how impossible that is.

I'm just torn. I'm broken and shredded and hurt.

How pathetic am I? I'm feeling sorry for myself constantly. Even though it's human nature, it's not an excuse.

I'm going to bed before I bore everyone to death.

8/3/09

"You never know how strong you are.... until being strong is the only choice you have left."

Dear Diary,

It's so much later than I should be blogging. I shouldn't even be on the computer this late. I got off the phone with Jim about 2 hours ago and I've been trying to go to sleep ever since but I can't. It's impossible.

Today was my mom's 1st official day at her new job as an assistant principal at an elementary school. I'm so incredibly proud of her for following her dreams and reaching them. While it's hard with her not being around 24/7, I know she's enjoying herself. And I guess that's all that really matters.

Today I woke up thinking about Jim so I texted him. He had just woken up too. "You play world of warcraft.... TOO!" I'm sorry. Random, but you'd have to be me or my brother to understand it. ANYWAYS.... I texted Jim and watched shark week on the discovery channel. It was interesting for awhile but my brother ended up changing the channel to "Miss Spider's Sunnypatch Friends" His explanation for why on earth he would watch that show was "It's bada**." Leave it to Daniel. Haha. I then went to my room and talked to my friend "Dolly" for awhile and then made a youtube video. It's on an account called "TeenzVideo" and the title of it is "Jeanna threw a hissy fit? - 'I want my purple walls!' parody". Just in case you want to check it out. ;) I'm honestly surprised at how many views it has gotten. It was so fun to portray Danny Noriega. I'm going to remake the video and make it an actual PARODY rather than a COPY.

After I made the video, I went to talk to my brother who was sitting on the couch watching TV, and my dad (home from lunch) handed me a card. I never get actual mail from anyone other than like churches I've visited so it was a nice surprise. I had gotten a card from my Aunt Peggy. It was so thoughtful of her to write me and it completely brightened my day. the card reads on the front: "What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. - Richard Bach" and inside it says "Change is always difficult, but I want you to know that I believe in your bright tomorrows. I believe in you." and her message was "I know you're suffering through the heartbreak of great loss, and I'm thinking of you and praying for you. Love, Aunt Peggy OX OX". So if you ask me, I have the most incredible family in the world. My aunts and uncles are always supporting me as well as my cousins and siblings and parents and grandparents, etc. I'm so blessed. I was just so happy to get the card today. My Aunt Peggy is a pretty awesome person. She lost a very important member of her family on Friday - her schnauzer puppy "Trouble". I think it's a very admirable quality to think of other people when your world is crashing down. Like she did for me. When she is grieving the loss of her dog, she still took time out to send me a card. I just love that.

My Aunt Bevie also sent me some mail the other day. Have I mentioned I love Demi Lovato? Haha. She sent me an article that was in the paper about Demi that I found very interesting and a coupon for Ulta (my fave make-up store).

I pretty much spent the rest of the day in my room talking to Dolly and watching youtube videos and stuff. Tomorrow I'm gonna clean my room some more and hopefully by the weekend it will be spotless. I'm taking it day by day and tomorrow I have a TON of laundry to do as well as going through boxes and cleaning off the dresser and nightstand and my desk. I also have to dust and vacuum and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

So tomorrow, please save my life and call me while I'm cleaning my room. Haha.

Jim and I texted pretty much all day. I texted Spaniel for part of the day. Then at like 9:30 Jim goes "I'll probably go to bed in a few minutes." and we got off the phone at 11:45. Haha. We talked about Need for Speed (the video game) and cars and stuff. He asked me what my dream car was and honeslty... I had no idea. I mean I LOVE the volkswagen beetles but I mean how dorky is that? Doesn't like every teen girl drive a "slug bug"? Idk. I'm so out of the car talk. The only friend I have that has a vehicle of any kind (that I know what it's called) is my friend Spencer and she drives a truck. And my friend Jayme who drives a blue car that I don't know the name of. So... I'm lost. Haha. He also told me about some guy inventing a test in 10,000 B.C. with the colors blue, orange, green, and gold. It tells you what color you are based on your personality. It sounded pretty cool. We pretty much talked about random stuff and then when we were off the phone, I tried going to sleep. Now 2 and a half hours later, I'm on the computer blogging about it.

So... I guess I'll go to bed.

Btw, today was a good day. OMG! My 1st good day since forever ago! I can't believe it was a week ago that I said "goodbye" to the J's. WOW. I can't believe it. I had a good day today.

There. I said it. Are you happy now, Molly? I've officially proven myself NOT emo! :) ILY!

GOD BLESS ALWAYS! HAVE FAITH IN HIM!

*~*Jeanna*~*

8/2/09

It's seriously August? SERIOUSLY?!?! It can't be August. Time has flown by. I can't believe it's been a week since I said goodbye to the J's. I hate this. I am so torn. And school starts soon! I can't even THINK about school! It's crazy! It CANNOT be AUGUST already! It makes me sad.

Lately without the J's, I've seriously been reading Jeffree Star's twitter updates!!!! HOW SAD IS THAT?!?! If any of MY friends were doing that I would scream at them for it. Maybe. Idk. I'm so confused. I'm literally losing my mind. LITERALLY! I feel like the 87 year old cat lady that you always hear about but never see. I've been saying really weird thinggs lately like instead of saying "Michael Jackson" I said "Michael Johnson". And I said "I lost my mom" rather than "I lost my guitar pick". Random stuff.... and I feel like a freak.

And now I'm breaking down as I write this. "World of Chances" by Demi Lovato just came on itunes. For some odd reason, it reminds me of Jim.

I've cried SO much this week that now I just laugh at random times because why? I have no idea. It's just sad. I am so lost. Why do people leave? Whether it's moving or death or even leaving and coming back, PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE! And I know there are people who have lost so much more than I, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts! I've lost so many people and I hate sitting here feeling sorry for myself in front of the entire world, but I feel like that's all I can do. I went outside and sat in the driveway for a little while and just got so depressed I had to come inside. Nothing is right. I cleaned my room up a little bit thinking "If I keep myself busy, I'll forget about it." And it didn't help at all. I tried playing guitar, but ended up playing "Wrapped In Your Arms" so that didn't help. I listened to David Archuleta and Demi Lovato but they both have songs that remind me of Jim. In fact half of their albums remind me of him. I tried watching TV, again... I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's bugging the crap out of me.... so here I am focusing on it rather than trying to avoid it because nothing will work trying to avoid it.

It's as if I'm walking around with a fish slapping me in the face every 3 seconds.... like I'm living that way. See? I'm losing my mind. That was totally irrelevant. Haha... fish. Idk. I'm lost and confused and I'm trying to make mysef laugh but I can't! I don't know how to live! Honestly, I CANNOT FUNCTION AT ALL ANYMORE! And I feel like I shouldn't even be here. My life as far as I know is gone because without the J's, without my best friend, I'm worth nothing. At least not to myself. And I cannot stop crying.

I had been wearing my pajamas for who knows how long and I FINALLY changed clothes today. Didn't help. At all. Nothing helps. I fake happiness some of the time because I'm just like "I'll convince myself that I'm actually happy"... but I'm not and in doing that not only am I lying to everyone around me, but I'm lying to myself.

Is love really supposed to hurt? I thought it was supposed to feel great. I guess the love part does, but it's missing someone that tears you apart. But you get hurt in the process of loving. I learn to love the people in the places I live, then we move and I lose them. I love certain people and then they die. I love certain people and they move. I love certain people and they turn on me. It's being victimized that hurts. And it hurts more than anything.

And I can't even fool myself into thinking I'm happy.... because I'm not. And I think I've made that very clear. I've never been unhappier.

And it absolutely, completely, truly, honestly, thoroughly, totally, ultimately, altogether... sucks.

GOD BLESS ALWAYS! HAVE FAITH IN HIM!

*~Jeanna~*