7/30/09

Dear Diary,

Today was so incredibly sad. I honestly think it was the worst day I've had all week. This whole thing is such a roller coaster. When I woke up, I immediately cried my eyes out for about 30 minutes. That's only how my day STARTED. I waited for my face to clear up from all the red splotches, then went into the living room and was told to get ready to leave. Great.... so now I got a chance to break down in public. We went to a place to eat called "Los Molcajetes". It was pretty good. From there, we went to PetSmart to get a fish, but ended up not getting one until my mom and Daniel went in Petco and I stayed in the car. As soon as they left the car, "God Blessed The Broken Road" started playing on the car radio. I broke down. Sunday night keeps replaying over and over and over again in my head. Being in his arms is the best feeling ever. I just feel safe when he's holding me and I wish I could spend the rest of my life there. He has no idea how much I miss him. I mean I can tell him I'm "torn". I can tell him "my heart is breaking". But he doesn't understand unless he feels the same way. After my mom and Daniel got back to the car with the fish, we went to Marble Slab Creamery. That's when I found out "Ice cream is a comfort food." isn't true. It was depressing sitting there eating coffee ice cream with gummi bears (yes.... my tastebuds are wired very differently than yours). The day I met the J's, I came inside and ate coffee ice cream and spent the rest of the night thinking about how amazing Jim was. I knew from that moment that my life would be changed because of that family. I just knew it. God sent me a sign that pointed to them.... great. Now I'm going down the lyrics of "God Blessed The Broken Road". Jeanna, would u please do yourself a favor and shut up? Ugh. David Archuleta's album that is self titled (his only album?) is the soundtrack to my life right now. Especially these little snippets of songs:

"My Hands"

If everything'd stop
I'd listen for your heart
To lead me right to you, yeah
I tried every way I can

But it's harder to hold on to your hands than the hands of time
I need a hand, girl, I'm trying to hold on
Losing strength in these hands of mine
I need you here
I'm trying to hold on
Standing here, open hands and I
Know I can't do this alone
Hold on, oh hold on
Baby hold on (to my hands)
Hold on to my hands (don't let go of my hands)
Don't let go

I don't think this is working
Squeezing so hard my hands are hurting
Ought to let go in the first place
And I put the phone on the front lawn
Everything that shows time is gone
I'm outside in this cold
Still looking for you

"Running"

I must admit it, I'm tired
But I'm coming to you
Don't know how far I've got
But I don't care, I'm not gonna

Stop runnin'
'Cause without you
I've got nothin'
I know you're somewhere runnin' straight to me
Don't stop runnin'
Don't stop

Keep on runnin'
Don't stop
Keep on runnin'...

Legs keep
Giving out
Breaking down
I'm falling
Head keeps telling me, this can't be worth all of this
Holding on to my heart, feel the rush
I'm ready to run forever
I'm holding it together
'Cause I'm coming to you
I don't know how far I've got but I don't care

I'm not gonna stop

"You Can"

Baby, when you look at me
Tell me what do you see
Are these the eyes of someone you could love?
'Cause everything that brought me here
Well, now it all seems so clear
Baby, you're the one that I've been dreaming of
If anyone can make me fall in love, you can

Save me from myself, you can
And it's you and no one else
If I could wish upon tomorrow tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I'll just pretend
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love

Only you can take me sailing in your deepest eyes
Bring me to my knees and make me cry
And no one's ever done this
Everything was just a lie and I know, yes, I know

This is where it all begins
So tell me it will never end
I can't fool myself, it's you and no one else

If I could wish upon tomorrow tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I'll just pretend
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, you can

"Touch My Hand"

Can’t let the music stop
Can’t let this feeling end
Cause if I do it’ll all be over, I’ll never see you again
Can’t let the music stop
Until I touch your hand
Cause if I do it’ll all be over, I’ll never get the chance again

So you can see how those lyrics kind of apply to my life at the moment. When we got home from Marble Slab, I cried. I haven't worn make up since maybe Sunday night. It's no use. I know I'll cry it all off. This is SO hard. We eventually had to leave for guitar lessons and I faked happiness the whole time. I love my dad, but breaking down in front of him is just awkward. So there's this song that reminds me of Jim called "Wrapped In Your Arms" by Fireflight. After I heard it, I wrote my own song with the same title just about being in his arms. so today I held back tears as I worked on "Wrapped In your Arms" with my guitar teacher. Then we went to eat dinner and on the way home, I was texting him and I said "I'm sorry I didn't kiss you on Sunday night. I just didn't know if that's what you wanted." And he replied "That's ok. I was nervous anyway." And I said "Really? Y?". He replied "Idk. U r amazing." If I hadn't cried enough today, that did it. I completely broke down in the back of the truck while "My Hands" was playing on my ipod, my dad was in the front seat, and my brother was beside me. I tried hiding my face thinking that would help... it didn't. I just broke down. I just wanted to run to Oklahoma... like the song "Running". I wanted to run and meet him halfway and then stay in his arms forever. I HATE myself for ever letting go. He sees the best in me when my hair is a mess, I'm wearing boys' basketball shirts, and the same shirt I was wearing the day before. No one else could possibly do that. It's funny how my mom says that "being in love wears off" and it "becomes commitment". Because I don't see this stage ever wearing off. That's what is so hard. People tell me I'm amazing sometimes, but when he said it, it was different. It meant something. The smallest things like that mean so much to me.

Whenever he texts me a smiley face, I smile... even if it's a fake smile. It's still a smile.

No one else has EVER made me this happy.

With all this missing him, I don't know how much longer I'll last in this world. I don't mean suicide, I just mean the stress is going to kill me. Maybe literally.

If I can't be in his arms, I want to die.

Every time I try to think of something else to get my mind off of it, something reminds me of him... then it brings me back to tears.

This is such a roller coaster and more than anything I want his family and himself to just move here. Knowing that will never happen, is SO INCREDIBLY UNBEARABLY HARD.

They had planned on moving here, now they're not and worst part is.... it's not Clancy, Joey, Jim, or Spaniel's fault. They can't control it. Or can they? One of them can. And they won't.

Ugh. This is so hard. Soo soo so so hard. And I can't stop saying it.

I'm rambling now. My point is I miss him. More than he could ever know. He's my love, my inspiration, my everything, and he will never know how much he means to me or how much I love him.

GOD BLESS ALWAYS! HAVE FAITH IN HIM!

*~Jeanna~*

7/29/09

Dear Blog/Diary/Readers/Journal,

Whatever I'm gonna call this. How about diary? It's just easier.

Hi. Lol. Sooo.... this was my day. I woke up at like 9:30 already dressed. I got up threw my shoes on, brushed my hair and teeth and left for my granddaddy's house. While I was there we ate brisket and cheese puffs. Haha. My brother and I watched a few videos on youtube by a girl that graduated from the high school I go to. Her username is "DANGITPEPE". She's really funny and she seems really sweet. While I was sitting on the couch, I looked to my right and on the table were a few love letters between my grandmother (who passed away in December) and my granddaddy during World War II. The last paragraph on one of them said the following:

"I've written 2 other letters tonight and it's about time for 'lights out'. Remember I love you and our punkins, and I'll go to sleep thinking of you tonight as usual.

Love Always,

Max"

As soon as I read that I broke down. I miss "Jim" so much. Of course I didn't want my granddaddy to see me crying so I had to go to the back room with my aunt. She talked with me for a little bit which helped a lot. It helps me to vent. Even if I've told many different people the same story every time, it still helps. I don't exactly know why. But reading the letter just made me really sad because I just miss him. We said "goodbye" almost 72 hours ago, and it feels like we said it a month ago. Everything is so different. I feel like the "J's" are going to come down here this weekend as usual, and grabbing a hold of the fact that they're not, is hard and almost impossible yet it still breaks my heart.

I've never been in love before. I mean, with some of the other guys, I thought I had. But then I feel what I feel now and realize that what I had with those other guys was not love at all. This feeling is so much stronger.

I came home and played guitar and ate grilled cheese, took a shower, talked to my friend Molly for a loooong time, and now.... I'm blogging about everything. Today has been exhausting and hard and lonely. And everyone I've talked to that has given me advice has said that it doesn't get better for a very long time. And all I can think about right now is how much I want it to be a very long time from now. Because I know that as soon as I start to get over it just a smidge, I'll be back in his arms again after a visit, saying goodbye.... just like I did almost 72 hours ago.... and all this pain and heartache will start all over.

GOD BLESS ALWAYS! HAVE FAITH IN HIM!

*~Jeanna~*

Introduction

Dear Readers, welcome. I'll start out by telling you a little bit about myself. My name is Jeanna. I'm just your average teenage girl. The only thing that's a little different about me is I'm a Jesus freak. I'm completely and totally in love with Him. I'm a really random person. I am a complete sucker for good music. Some of the stuff I listen to, you may not like. I have to listen to something I can either 1. relate to, or 2. rock out to. Simple as that. And whether it's Demi Lovato, David Archuleta, Fireflight, August Burns Red, or even sometimes a good Miley Cyrus song, music is my life. I love to sing and if I get the chance to go for my dreams, I probably will. I live in Texas, although I will not tell you what city. This blog is going to tell you a lot about me and my life. I'm going to get pretty personal and open up and share my feelings (just because I'm a teenage hormonal girl doesn't mean I never have a clue what I'm talking about). All the sappy stuff is going to come out through this blog. This journey will include my love story, my battle story, and my life story.

To start off I'm going to say that I've been through a lot. I'm definitely not asking for sympathy. I know I'm not the only one. I recognize that 100% of the world is struggling. Whether it's an ugly divorce, a death in the family, job loss, abuse, or even something simple like a break up with your boyfriend after maybe a week of dating, everyone is struggling with something. I'm not going to sit here and say "Why me? Everyone should feel sorry for me because I'm struggling." You will never hear me say that, I promise. This is just kind of a way for me to vent.

So to catch you up on the first 14 years.... I was born missing a bone in my left leg. My "disability" is called "fibular hemimilia". I won't go into the science of it because I know that's totally boring. This causes my left leg to be shorter than my right leg. All my life, because of this, I have had to wear a prosthesis to help me walk more evenly. It's helped a lot and I owe Scottish Rite Hospital for Children in Dallas, Texas a TON! Not money, I just mean credit. Haha. Last year, on June 11th, I had a traumatic life changing experience that some people call "surgery". I like to call it "hell". I guess when you know that you're going to a place as perfect as heaven, hell for christians is on earth. This surgery involved breaking the bone that I do have (I'm missing the femur), and seperating the pieces of the bone more and more each day by turning pins that they put through my skin, into my bone (7 of them). I was originally missing 7 inches in my left leg, and now I'm missing 5 3/4". We're on our way. I got the frame called the "ilizarov" (aka the "Russian Torture Machine") off in early October (if I remember correctly). If I want to get more length in my leg, I'll have to go through a few more surgeries. If you have ever heard of the book "90 Minutes In Heaven", the author went through the same surgery I did, except he experienced a bit more pain than I did.

Ok, so I'm trying to pick out the major things here and leave out the little things. We'll get to those later when they apply to other stories.

My dad is the superintendent of the school district here in the _____ school district. With the job that he has, we've moved around a lot in my life. I've moved from Corpus Christi to Sinton to West Columbia to San Angelo and now we're here. Moving involves so many challenges. Making new friends, getting used to new surroundings, etc. Well, when we moved here, things hit hard when we lost my Granddaddy Roy to a heart attack on August 3rd, 2006. I started a new school trying to make new friends right after my Granddad passed away which was really hard to do when I was coming to school crying every morning. I remember feeling like a child not wanting my mom to leave me.

On December 18th, 2008 we lost my Grandmother. She had had a series of strokes over the past few years. I hardly remember her before she was stuck in a wheelchair with a full time caregiver. I was stuck in a wheelchair for 4 months, but only feel a fraction of her pain. To be truthful, when she passed I was a bit relieved. I was extremely sad because I missed her (and still do) and I wanted her by my side but I also knew she was with the healer. She and I shared a middle name and a birthday. I have a few memories of when we went to a bed and breakfast to celebrate our birthday with the entire family. I remember she gave me a ring for my birthday with a sapphire (my birth stone) on it, I remember my granddaddy listening to the University of Texas anthem over and over again in his CD player as well as when he hit his head in the back of the car on the roof. My grandparents had been married almost 68 years. I can't even imagine being with someone that long and then living without them. My Granddaddy is so strong for that. I know he's lonely and struggling, but he's also surviving which is more than many of us could do.

On January 27th of this year, we had just gotten back from my mom's birthday dinner and my brother and I decided to play basketball in the driveway. I threw the ball and it bounced off the backboard, went down the street and hit my neighbors' garage door. She came outside and asked if I could meet someone. When I walked inside she called for the family. We'll call them the "J's". There's the mom "Clancy", the oldest son "Jim", the middle child "Spaniel", and the youngest son "Joey". Of course these are stage names since I don't want to give out information. Plus if you put the slightest bit of thought into it, you can figure out their real names. My neighbor's names are"Beth" and her husband "Spike". Anyways... Clancy, Jim, Spaniel, and Joey have become my 2nd family in only 6 months. I feel like I've known them my entire life. They came down every weekend so that Clancy could play the organ at church. They used to stay at my neighbor's house but because of some misunderstanding, they didn't stay there anymore after late March.

The day I met the J's was one of the most important days of my life. The aftermath of my surgery was depressing. I suffered from depression and anxiety and they took that away when they entered the picture. I found a place in them that I felt I belonged, that God had put us together for a reason, but yesterday (since it is now 12:30 AM) at approximately 7 AM, we parted ways.

The day I met the J's, the 1st person I met out of their family was Jim. He's the same age as me but maybe a little over a month younger than I am. When I 1st saw him, I do believe I experienced love at first sight. I immediately felt a connection but it took a while for the same connection to return. A few weeks after I met them and became good friends with them, Jim and I were texting and I told him that I had a crush on him. He didn't say much about it until maybe a week or 2 later he said he liked me too. So when Jim and I started talking about being a couple, he said he wasn't ready and I had to accept that. He had never had a girlfriend before and I had never been in a completely serious relationship. While I had never dated anyone who wasn't a christian, I never had a faith based relationship. I was completely head over heels for Jim, but I soon realized he didn't feel the same way about me so I came up with this brilliant plan to date the 1st guy who asked me out so that I could tell Jim I had found someone else so that it would save him the trouble of saying "I don't really like you." Yes, I know. It sounds like a cheesy soap opera, and this one is actually called "Reality". The guy I decided to go out with.... let's call him "Clark". He seemed to be a really nice guy and he was cute, but truth be told, I didn't like him. I know how stupid I am. I didn't realize that I was using him at the time. But looking back on it, I can't help but feel like I got what I deserved. A few weeks after Clark and I started dating, my friend told me he had been cheating on me with (who was at the time) my best friend. I cried for 2 hours when I found out. It wasn't because I liked Clark, but because there was someone he liked more than me. So that's how I got what I deserved that time.

So Jim and I continued our friendship except some of the time when my brother, myself, and the J's would hang out, I felt like he was avoiding me and I didn't know why until Spaniel told me "He has a girlfriend". As soon as he said that I was crushed. I started thinking that I wasn't pretty or smart or anything. I thought I was worthless. Clark had cheated on me, and now the guy I truly liked had rejected me because he "wasn't ready for a girlfriend", and then... he had a girlfriend. I couldn't believe it.

Jim and his girlfriend were over after about a month and a friend of mine decided she would "do me a favor" and text him as me and tell him that I was in love with him. Let's call this friend "Dolly." The problem with Dolly was, she didn't tell me she was going to do this favor. She didn't even tell me after it had already been done. Spaniel told me.

But there was a twist. Jim had also told "me" that he was in love with me as well. When Spaniel informed me of that part I almost had a heart attack. What was I supposed to do now?

About a month and a half ago, Spaniel, Clancy, my brother "Daniel", and I were at Wendy's eating ice cream when Spaniel just out of the blue said something about "not coming to Texas anymore" and I was like "WHAT?!?!?!" I started freaking out. Clancy had become my 2nd mom, Spaniel and Joey had become my brothers, and I was still head over heels for Jim. I was thinking over and over again "They cannot leave. They just can't."

So when 2 weeks ago, I found out that Jim was in love with me as I was with him.... things fell apart. I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with him because long distance relationships have never exactly worked out with me. I was just breaking down at random times and while it was good news that he loved me, it wasn't. It meant that it would be all the more difficult to get over him. But over a couple of weeks, our bond just grew even more.

Then came yesterday. I woke up at 5:30 and they arrived at my house at 6:20 AM. We sat in my driveway (our normal hangout spot) and talked until 7. That was when we said goodbye. But let me rewind to Sunday night......

After the J's got out of church, they came to pick us up and we went to the house where they were staying (it was a member of the church's house) and we swam and cooked out. Her house was on the lake but it still had a pool. When we 1st got there we swam, and then went inside where Jim and Daniel played "Texas Hold Em" while Spaniel played guitar and Joey messed around with my camera (we had taken pictures while swimming underwater). Then we ate hamburgers for dinner along with some REALLY good homemade ice cream. While standing at the window looking out, my brother spotted something approximately 5 feet long swimming across the pool. It was a snake. "Smile" (the owner of the house) went an grabbed her husband's pellet gun and Daniel went outside, attempting to shoot it, but as soon as he pulled the trigger, the snake got away. We all walked to the dock and that's when I found out Dolly had done me another "favor". Jim asked me "Right here?" I was completely confused. A few minutes later he asks "Did Dolly text me this morning?" I thought about it and said that I didn't think so. She had. She had not only texted him but again texted him pretending to be me asking if I could kiss him and he had said "yes". So we awkwardly walked back inside and I went upstairs to talk to Spaniel who was watching "Saw 2". When I asked him what had happened, he knew every detail so when he explained it to me, I apologized to Jim. He stood in the dark room with the TV on and Spaniel sat in the chair. I walked over to Jim and put my head on his shoulder and I just felt safe. From the entire world. We went back outside for a few minutes while Daniel and Joey swam and then we drove back to my house. We sat in the driveway and shared our favorite memories with each other. We had so many. Watching movies upstairs at Beth and Spike's house, going to church together and the time that I sang the Easter vigil, going to Wal Mart to just walk around and be kids, hanging out in the driveway. There was even a time when we decided to go for a walk. I thought I was lost. They had ditched me and no one would answer their phones. Apparently, they had seen me while I called me friend who had just passed me in her car. She picked me up and drove me to my house, which had literally been less than 100 yards behind me and I was turned the opposite direction. When we pulled up, the boys were sitting on the edge of the driveway and as soon as the saw me in the back of the car they were shocked. They thought I had been kidnapped. Then my friend got out of the car and cussed them out for ditching me and now we all laugh about it. We shared a lot of memories as we sat in the driveway, then 9:30 arrived and we had to say goodbye. I hugged Joey, Spaniel, and then Jim. As Jim hugged me, I held back tears and kept myself from breaking down as he kissed me on the cheek and told me he loved me and that everything would be ok. Little did we know, for that night it would be because they came back the next morning and we had to repeat our goodbyes. I watched their tail lights fade away and as soon as they were gone, I hit the ground in tears. I wrote a song about the driveway and its' emptiness. I then went inside and asked my mom through tears if the aftermath of saying goodbye ever got easier. And while she says it does, she found my dad after she was widowed. I'm quite sure I won't find anyone else. I don't WANT to find anyone else. I'm quite convinced that Jim is the only one I'll ever love.

So as of now, my life is miserable. I'm grieving and hurting. I feel like I should call my granddaddy and ask him what to do, though I won't. Now I just wait. Until I'm 16 or 18. At 16, I can get a car and drive up to visit him in Oklahoma where he lives. At 18, I guess I could move there. Right now, I'm 14. I have no plan.

The J's dad is the one who told them they couldn't come down here anymore, and he's kind of scary. Therefore, they won't be driving down here from Oklahoma every weekend anymore.

That's the hard part.

Now I just have to get over it. As hard as it is to move on, I have to. I just don't know how.

Anyone have advice on what to do after you say goodbye to the one you love and your 2nd family? If so.... it would help a lot. This is my main issue right now. Forget the rest of my life. Forget that school starts in a month. Forget that I still have to clean my room AGAIN. Forget that I have an entire health course I have GOT to finish. Forget everything.

How do you move on after goodbye?

GOD BLESS ALWAYS! HAVE FAITH IN HIM!

*~Jeanna~*