Yet again, I've done it. I attached myself to someone and then lost them. I do this all the time.... but WHY? I'm tired of being vacant. Maybe that's it? Several people came before the J's, but I can't remember them all. Then came this girl... I won't even give her a fake name because her identity would be so obvious. It's probably even obvious to most of you now.
She's the most amazing girl on this entire planet outside my family and she's the best friend anyone could ask for. She's always there. I just can't begin to describe how incredible she is. There are no words perfect enough. So how did I lose her? I told her things she was doing that she didn't realize. Or she did, but she didn't care. I'm not sure which it was... either way, it hurt.
Drugs will destroy you. And every time she does drugs, I watch her destroy herself. And she's doing these drugs because she is hurting. I KNOW she's hurting. And it hurts me to see her like this. I know it's been this way since before I met her so WHY is it that I ALWAYS want to change the people that are out of my reach? WHY?!?! Because EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME I TRY, I LOSE SOMEONE IN THE PROCESS!
Brandon Heath said in his song "Give Me Your Eyes": "Give me your arms for the broken hearted. Ones that are far beyond my reach. Give me your heart for the ones forgotten. Give me your eyes so I can see."
I've tried to see through God's eyes. And I've tried to reach out to her. No matter what, I can't figure her out and that bothers me, because most of the time I understand why people do the things they do, but with her it's nearly impossible. Yet... I won't give up. I want to be the one person that's there for her all the time that won't give up on her.
But WHY? It's just the way I feel and I can't help it. I also wanted her to know that there are people ALL AROUND HER that love her to death. LOTS of people. Some of them don't care about her, but they still love her. That's about half of them. The other half, DON'T KNOW HOW to care. I felt like I was the one person that actually both loved her AND cared.... and I still do. I know her family cares about her and I know they love her but I'm talking about outside her family.
This girl has changed my life in a matter of only about 3 weeks.... so many people can easily change my life but they never do. She did. The J's changed my life and all the people that I attach myself to... they change me. Forever. And then... they're just gone.
Do I regret meeting these people? Not for a second. Because somehow I believe that though they changed me, maybe.... just maybe I changed them too. Maybe every time she takes a hit now, she'll think of what I said. Maybe every time the J's have drama with their dad... maybe they'll remember the girl that tried so hard to pull them out of that situation. Maybe every time Slinky takes a sip of beer, that's all he will take. Maybe he will put it down and pick up his bible and pray.
People in this world are struggling. I'm not the only one and 98% of the time, I forget that. We all NEED FAITH! We all need a Savior to love us and WE HAVE HIM but we are so caught up in what we are struggling with and we are so focused on hurting that we ignore Him. We put up a wall to block Him and His love out and fail to realize that NO WALL CAN BLOCK OUT HIS LOVE FOR US. It can crack ANYTHING to make its way through to us.
So stop trying to build walls. Listen to the people who care about you AND love you.... people like that only come around once in a blue moon.
"Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to."
Love and Blessings,