Wednesday, July 29, 2009


Dear Blog/Diary/Readers/Journal,
Whatever I'm gonna call this. How about diary? It's just easier.

Hi. Lol. Sooo.... this was my day. I woke up at like 9:30 already dressed. I got up threw my shoes on, brushed my hair and teeth and left for my granddaddy's house. While I was there we ate brisket and cheese puffs. Haha. My brother and I watched a few videos on youtube by a girl that graduated from the high school I go to. Her username is "DANGITPEPE". She's really funny and she seems really sweet. While I was sitting on the couch, I looked to my right and on the table were a few love letters between my grandmother (who passed away in December) and my granddaddy during World War II. The last paragraph on one of them said the following:

"I've written 2 other letters tonight and it's about time for 'lights out'. Remember I love you and our punkins, and I'll go to sleep thinking of you tonight as usual.

Love Always,

As soon as I read that I broke down. I miss "Jim" so much. Of course I didn't want my granddaddy to see me crying so I had to go to the back room with my aunt. She talked with me for a little bit which helped a lot. It helps me to vent. Even if I've told many different people the same story every time, it still helps. I don't exactly know why. But reading the letter just made me really sad because I just miss him. We said "goodbye" almost 72 hours ago, and it feels like we said it a month ago. Everything is so different. I feel like the "J's" are going to come down here this weekend as usual, and grabbing a hold of the fact that they're not, is hard and almost impossible yet it still breaks my heart.

I've never been in love before. I mean, with some of the other guys, I thought I had. But then I feel what I feel now and realize that what I had with those other guys was not love at all. This feeling is so much stronger.

I came home and played guitar and ate grilled cheese, took a shower, talked to my friend Molly for a loooong time, and now.... I'm blogging about everything. Today has been exhausting and hard and lonely. And everyone I've talked to that has given me advice has said that it doesn't get better for a very long time. And all I can think about right now is how much I want it to be a very long time from now. Because I know that as soon as I start to get over it just a smidge, I'll be back in his arms again after a visit, saying goodbye.... just like I did almost 72 hours ago.... and all this pain and heartache will start all over.