7/30/09

Dear Diary,

Today was so incredibly sad. I honestly think it was the worst day I've had all week. This whole thing is such a roller coaster. When I woke up, I immediately cried my eyes out for about 30 minutes. That's only how my day STARTED. I waited for my face to clear up from all the red splotches, then went into the living room and was told to get ready to leave. Great.... so now I got a chance to break down in public. We went to a place to eat called "Los Molcajetes". It was pretty good. From there, we went to PetSmart to get a fish, but ended up not getting one until my mom and Daniel went in Petco and I stayed in the car. As soon as they left the car, "God Blessed The Broken Road" started playing on the car radio. I broke down. Sunday night keeps replaying over and over and over again in my head. Being in his arms is the best feeling ever. I just feel safe when he's holding me and I wish I could spend the rest of my life there. He has no idea how much I miss him. I mean I can tell him I'm "torn". I can tell him "my heart is breaking". But he doesn't understand unless he feels the same way. After my mom and Daniel got back to the car with the fish, we went to Marble Slab Creamery. That's when I found out "Ice cream is a comfort food." isn't true. It was depressing sitting there eating coffee ice cream with gummi bears (yes.... my tastebuds are wired very differently than yours). The day I met the J's, I came inside and ate coffee ice cream and spent the rest of the night thinking about how amazing Jim was. I knew from that moment that my life would be changed because of that family. I just knew it. God sent me a sign that pointed to them.... great. Now I'm going down the lyrics of "God Blessed The Broken Road". Jeanna, would u please do yourself a favor and shut up? Ugh. David Archuleta's album that is self titled (his only album?) is the soundtrack to my life right now. Especially these little snippets of songs:

"My Hands"

If everything'd stop
I'd listen for your heart
To lead me right to you, yeah
I tried every way I can

But it's harder to hold on to your hands than the hands of time
I need a hand, girl, I'm trying to hold on
Losing strength in these hands of mine
I need you here
I'm trying to hold on
Standing here, open hands and I
Know I can't do this alone
Hold on, oh hold on
Baby hold on (to my hands)
Hold on to my hands (don't let go of my hands)
Don't let go

I don't think this is working
Squeezing so hard my hands are hurting
Ought to let go in the first place
And I put the phone on the front lawn
Everything that shows time is gone
I'm outside in this cold
Still looking for you

"Running"

I must admit it, I'm tired
But I'm coming to you
Don't know how far I've got
But I don't care, I'm not gonna

Stop runnin'
'Cause without you
I've got nothin'
I know you're somewhere runnin' straight to me
Don't stop runnin'
Don't stop

Keep on runnin'
Don't stop
Keep on runnin'...

Legs keep
Giving out
Breaking down
I'm falling
Head keeps telling me, this can't be worth all of this
Holding on to my heart, feel the rush
I'm ready to run forever
I'm holding it together
'Cause I'm coming to you
I don't know how far I've got but I don't care

I'm not gonna stop

"You Can"

Baby, when you look at me
Tell me what do you see
Are these the eyes of someone you could love?
'Cause everything that brought me here
Well, now it all seems so clear
Baby, you're the one that I've been dreaming of
If anyone can make me fall in love, you can

Save me from myself, you can
And it's you and no one else
If I could wish upon tomorrow tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I'll just pretend
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love

Only you can take me sailing in your deepest eyes
Bring me to my knees and make me cry
And no one's ever done this
Everything was just a lie and I know, yes, I know

This is where it all begins
So tell me it will never end
I can't fool myself, it's you and no one else

If I could wish upon tomorrow tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I'll just pretend
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, you can

"Touch My Hand"

Can’t let the music stop
Can’t let this feeling end
Cause if I do it’ll all be over, I’ll never see you again
Can’t let the music stop
Until I touch your hand
Cause if I do it’ll all be over, I’ll never get the chance again

So you can see how those lyrics kind of apply to my life at the moment. When we got home from Marble Slab, I cried. I haven't worn make up since maybe Sunday night. It's no use. I know I'll cry it all off. This is SO hard. We eventually had to leave for guitar lessons and I faked happiness the whole time. I love my dad, but breaking down in front of him is just awkward. So there's this song that reminds me of Jim called "Wrapped In Your Arms" by Fireflight. After I heard it, I wrote my own song with the same title just about being in his arms. so today I held back tears as I worked on "Wrapped In your Arms" with my guitar teacher. Then we went to eat dinner and on the way home, I was texting him and I said "I'm sorry I didn't kiss you on Sunday night. I just didn't know if that's what you wanted." And he replied "That's ok. I was nervous anyway." And I said "Really? Y?". He replied "Idk. U r amazing." If I hadn't cried enough today, that did it. I completely broke down in the back of the truck while "My Hands" was playing on my ipod, my dad was in the front seat, and my brother was beside me. I tried hiding my face thinking that would help... it didn't. I just broke down. I just wanted to run to Oklahoma... like the song "Running". I wanted to run and meet him halfway and then stay in his arms forever. I HATE myself for ever letting go. He sees the best in me when my hair is a mess, I'm wearing boys' basketball shirts, and the same shirt I was wearing the day before. No one else could possibly do that. It's funny how my mom says that "being in love wears off" and it "becomes commitment". Because I don't see this stage ever wearing off. That's what is so hard. People tell me I'm amazing sometimes, but when he said it, it was different. It meant something. The smallest things like that mean so much to me.

Whenever he texts me a smiley face, I smile... even if it's a fake smile. It's still a smile.

No one else has EVER made me this happy.

With all this missing him, I don't know how much longer I'll last in this world. I don't mean suicide, I just mean the stress is going to kill me. Maybe literally.

If I can't be in his arms, I want to die.

Every time I try to think of something else to get my mind off of it, something reminds me of him... then it brings me back to tears.

This is such a roller coaster and more than anything I want his family and himself to just move here. Knowing that will never happen, is SO INCREDIBLY UNBEARABLY HARD.

They had planned on moving here, now they're not and worst part is.... it's not Clancy, Joey, Jim, or Spaniel's fault. They can't control it. Or can they? One of them can. And they won't.

Ugh. This is so hard. Soo soo so so hard. And I can't stop saying it.

I'm rambling now. My point is I miss him. More than he could ever know. He's my love, my inspiration, my everything, and he will never know how much he means to me or how much I love him.

GOD BLESS ALWAYS! HAVE FAITH IN HIM!

*~Jeanna~*