Sunday, September 27, 2009

We're over. Hypothesized.

You probably already know this by now, or you predicted it would happen. Jim and I broke up a week ago. It was basically a mutual decision. It was just hard being away from each other and when you're emotionally but not physically attached to someone... people can get on your last nerve. Therefore, I'm single and pretty dang happy about it.

Life this past week has been pretty good. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I don't have to text anyone 24/7, I don't feel like I have to stay up til 11 or 11:30 on the phone. I'm happy. And it's the 1st time I've been truly happy in a very long time. I haven't blogged in awhile because I honestly forgot all about the blog until, well, now. So I'm updating you guys that actually give a ... care. *Cough*

Soo.. my birthday is on Tuesday! I'm so happy! I will be 15 and I can officially get my learners' permit.... if I beg my mom enough to let me. She says that she doesn't need me to get it yet. I'm like "YOU don't NEED ME to get MY learners' permit?!?!?! WOMAN! It's MINE!" I'm gonna be the only person over the age of 80 without a license or even a permit. Parents.

So today I went to eat dinner at Edohana with my sister and brother and parents. It was super fun! We laughed so hard at some things, we were crying. People around us probably think that the insane asylum had just released us. But we're just cool like that.

On Saturday my friends Ben and Marla are going to the mall with me to eat at Rainforest Cafe' and play mini golf. I was originally gonna go with the J's... but .... it just didn't work out. So yeah. But I'm really excited.

I better get to sleep. I'm starting a brand new week of school (which is going GREAT btw!).
Love and TONS of Blessings,

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

I hate myself.

I hate myself for doing this to him. I told him I didn't think he loved me. That if he really cared about me, at all, he would fight to be with me. While I still believe that, I should not have said it to him, and there's nothing really he can do.

I got so lonely. I haven't been hanging out with my friends lately, except once over the past like 5 months. And my mom hasn't been getting home til sometimes 9:30 P.M. and I just NEED somebody. I have God, but I need somebody immortal to just be there for me. I have the J's but they're 300 miles away and it just hurts. I'm so incredibly lonely. I just feel like I can't take it anymore.

I hate sitting in my room by myself when I get home until I go to sleep. I hate going to school and seeing people I talk to, but don't hang out with on the weekends, or talk that much with, knowing that when I get home, all the people disappear. I'm left with myself, and only myself. And that just plain hurts.

I hurt him. He told me he looked in the mirror and saw nothing. He compared himself to a broken egg shell. That is how I made him feel about himself when he is so much more than that. He's the one I want to see every night when I fall asleep, and every morning when I wake up. And I hurt him.... because of my hurt. I hurt him out of my own pain and HOW SELFISH IS THAT?!?!?!?!

I hate myself for doing this to him. I will never, ever forgiv myself.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

I don't mean to complain so much.

I don't mean to complain... but right now I'm feeling pretty darn lonely.

I've made friends at school, but none of them are like my all time best friends. My best friends are 300 miles away. And that sickens me. I just feel really depressed. I don't really have anybody to talk to or hang out with, my mom is working LONG hours now, and my dad and I.... we're far apart. I miss my mom. I know I sound like a little kid when I say that but I do. I miss my mom SO much. This is the 2nd night in a row she hasn't eaten dinner with us. Last week, I went a whole 42 hours without seeing her. Now it's been close to 24. It's hard waking up in the mornings and she's already gone. I don't like living this way. At all. I need her now more than ever, and she's not here. And like I said, I don't have BEST friends at school to talk to. Jim, Spaniel, and Joey are my best friends.... and it feels like we are on seperate planets.

I miss Jim a lot too. Especially now. It gets harder and harder every day but it also gets easier to fake a smile every day. Except for today was very aggravating and depressing and .... bad. It was just terrible. And I hate it. I hate this. I hate being lonely. I hate missing people. I hate... hurting.

I want the J's back. NOW.