Saturday, August 01, 2009

7/31/09 - Yesterday

So I will write about yesterday now, and then do another post when THIS day is over. But right now I will blog about yesterday.

Yesterday was hard. We had some unexpected things hit and it wasn't easy to deal with.
We left for my granddad's house around 1 P.M. yesterday and ended up staying the night at his house. When I got there I played guitar in the back bedroom and printed guitar tabs off of the computer. I went back and forth between the office and the back room forever. I watched TV for awhile, and then the storm came and knocked out the satellite so I texted Spaniel and Jim and then read some more love letters between my grandmother and granddaddy. I found this one from before they were married:

Tuesday Night
November 14, 1939

"Dearest Max,
I'm sure it won't be possible for me to say what I want to say to you on the phone tomorrow night. And if I wait until tomorrow to write you, you'll not have your answer on Wednesday. Besides, I'll probably be deep in the pages of gov't. 10 on that "night before the morning after".
You already know that to me our love is of primary importance. It is true that there are things in both our lives which are, and must be for some time to come, important.
Especially in my life, I realize that there are things which might prohibit me from belonging to you alone, if I so willed it. I do NOT want you to feel, as you are inclined to do, that in giving up these things, I am making a sacrifice. To the contrary, nothing could give to me greater joy, than to invest my life in loving you alone
And in a sense, it IS an investment - - a very sound one. For I gain the only thing on earth that really matters to me....... your love and confidence. And if I may be assured of these, I ask no more. I know the circumstances which prevent our being together often - - as you do. But you have led me to count on you for consideration, love, kindness, understanding, and devotion, - - and I shall always do so. I shall do my best to be worthy of these, and return them in full measure. Yes I DO want to be yours alone. This is my own decision, and I believe sincerely that I am doing the right thing. I shall rely on your strength and guidance, for I need you so.
We cannot go wrong, Max. - - My Bible says "Love is strong as death. Love never faileth." And I love you more than life itself. -
Bet (Betty)"

I found that and thought it was the sweetest thing ever written. It's so weird how she wrote that 70 years ago but I feel that way today. About Jim. I mean I'm 14 and not even thinking about marriage yet but those are my thoughts and I feel like she left something here for me to lean on. It makes me miss her so much more. She was such an incredible person. She cared about everyone in sight, she was beautiful, she was strong, she was amazing. I can't even describe it. She is the person that I look at and say "I want to be just like her." I believe from what I can remember, she lived her life fully for Christ even in the darkest moments when she was stuck in a wheelchair, we would sing hymns and she would sing along.

Love is so.... difficult. I mean don't get me wrong. It's the best feeling in the world, but sometimes things come along with it like the feeling of missing someone..... and it hurts SO bad. Jim is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and to have him ripped out from under me (no pun intended), was the hardest thing... IS the hardest thing that has ever happened. The surgery I had last year was definitely difficult, but this is so different. This is the feeling of wanting something to last forever when it's clear that it won't. The surgery was wanting something to end, and it did. And I'll go back into it, and come out again, but I won't live with it for the rest of my life. This is something that I will live without for a long time and until then it's going to be hard. I have to accept that.

After reading that letter, I called Spaniel and talked to the J's for awhile. I love the phone. And I love talking on it more than I love texting because you hear someone's voice rather than imagining it. After my conversation with them, I got on facebook and then went to bed. It took me forever to go to sleep because I couldn't stop thinking. I've lost so many people lately and it hurts so bad. I just.... don't want to lose anyone because of death. Even though the J's aren't here, I still talk to them. To lose them completely.... would be unbearable.

So that was my day yesterday. Will blog about today later......