Tuesday, September 08, 2009

I hate myself.

I hate myself for doing this to him. I told him I didn't think he loved me. That if he really cared about me, at all, he would fight to be with me. While I still believe that, I should not have said it to him, and there's nothing really he can do.

I got so lonely. I haven't been hanging out with my friends lately, except once over the past like 5 months. And my mom hasn't been getting home til sometimes 9:30 P.M. and I just NEED somebody. I have God, but I need somebody immortal to just be there for me. I have the J's but they're 300 miles away and it just hurts. I'm so incredibly lonely. I just feel like I can't take it anymore.

I hate sitting in my room by myself when I get home until I go to sleep. I hate going to school and seeing people I talk to, but don't hang out with on the weekends, or talk that much with, knowing that when I get home, all the people disappear. I'm left with myself, and only myself. And that just plain hurts.

I hurt him. He told me he looked in the mirror and saw nothing. He compared himself to a broken egg shell. That is how I made him feel about himself when he is so much more than that. He's the one I want to see every night when I fall asleep, and every morning when I wake up. And I hurt him.... because of my hurt. I hurt him out of my own pain and HOW SELFISH IS THAT?!?!?!?!

I hate myself for doing this to him. I will never, ever forgiv myself.