Monday, August 17, 2009

Lost and Broken.....

I'm still trusting God through this. I have to. But today is one of the worst days I've had in a long time. Yesterday was Jim and my 1st aniverssary. I think the main thing is that all day yesterday I tried to convince myself that I was happy. I smiled. I didn't cry. I told myself I was happy. Today... all that I held in yesterday is coming out. I told myself I would clean the floor of my room today before I blogged. Guess how well that turned out. My iTunes was on shuffle and "When You're Gone" by Avril Lavigne came on. I burst into tears. I'm still crying. And that happened an hour ago.

I used to dream about hanging out with the J's. After they left, I dreamt of it almost every night. Well lastnight for the 1st time, I dreamt not about being with them, but missing them. I'm DREAMING about MISSING THEM! And their faces are hazy in my dreams. They aren't clear. I can't picture their faces clearly without looking at pictures. Even worse I can't help but beat myself up over it. It was 4 weeks ago today that we said goodbye. It has only been 4 weeks. It feels like it's been 4 years.

Jim asked me today how I was. He always asks me how I am and I always say that I'm fine but today I couldn't even do that. I told him I'm breaking. I told him I'm falling apart. But I got an "I'm sorry." and I realized it's no use in telling him because it only makes him feel bad and he can't do anything about it. So why even tell him?

I don't want to be here anymore. I'm not suicidal. I don't want to end up in hell. But I do NOT want to be here. I wish God would just take me. I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to be missing Jim or the rest of the J's like this. I don't want to lose my mom like I am. I don't want to start the year when my dad and I haven't even spent a day together like he said we would. I want to see my sister again before the year starts. I want the J's to be here. I want my brother to stop hitting me all the time and ruining my stuff. I want my room to magically be clean. I don't want to ever have to have surgery again. I want to go back to Colorado like my mom said I would be able to before the school year started. I want the J's dad to stop being an asshole. I want my best friend back. I want everything to change from the way it is right now to perfect. But I can't change what's happening. And that part hurts more than anything - I can't change it. I just NEED somebody. Because I have NEVER felt so alone. And I HATE feeling this way. I just want everything to be over because I can't stop hurting no matter how hard I try and I'm just TIRED OF HURTING! And I don't know what to do anymore. I CAN'T do anything anymore. I'm FALLING APART. And all this PAIN and SUFFERING only gets worse.

You know the saying "Things have to get worse before they can get better."? It shouldn't have to get to a point this low to get to perfect. Because all the things that I mentioned cannot possibly change. But if I had to choose one - I want the J's back in my life. Because I feel that they are so detatched. But they won't be back for good. They will never be back for good and I CANNOT get my mind around that.