Saturday, August 01, 2009


He makes my heart soar.

I woke up to my granddaddy making waffles and bacon and scrambled eggs. It was a wonderful way to wake up. Haha. So my family and I sat around the table and talked for awhile as I texted Jim and Spaniel. We left my granddad's I guess around 12? On the way home, my mom and I listened to Kate Voegele, Paramore, David Archuleta, and a few other people I think. I texted Jim and Spaniel pretty much the whole time I was in the car. When I got home, I updated my blog and then Jim texted me. Things hit the J's pretty hard today. Since their identities are protected, I'm going to talk about they're going through. I think in one of the last few blogs I said "their dad is crazy". The truth is... their dad is more than crazy... he's a freak. He just decided to create chaos today and it hurt me to see them go through that. Their family (minus their dad) is absolutely incredible. As I have said many times before. I've been terrified of their dad ever since maybe our 2nd phone conversation. It's hard to explain, and I don't really want to go into detail but he's not a nice guy and he's attempted to tear a family apart and all he's done is separated himself from that family. I will not ever count him as part of their family unless he miraculously changes. It breaks my heart to see the guy I've fallen for, fall apart and try to hide it. He's so much better than that. And his brothers are torn and lost and confused and their mom.... their incredible, strong, loving, beautiful mom is torn. In her own words she really is "torn". She doesn't deserve that. She's put up with so much and she really has NO IDEA how amazing she is. I just wish they weren't in the situation they are in. They don't deserve to be in this situation. Their dad has taken away their childhood, their friends, their self esteem, everything. I never thought I would see anything so horrific. It's worse than watching movies about the holocaust. It's tragic. And it shouldn't be this way.

After all that trauma had taken a detour, I found out that my best friend that lives here (pretty much the only person I have left) is moving to San Diego. She's been my sister for a LONG time and it's so incredibly heart breaking (as if I didn't already have enough to deal with). then I found out one of my good friends from forever ago died in a car accident. That hit me kinda hard but I hadn't talked to him in forever.

I'm just broken right now. I have been broken all week. I've had trouble sleeping, eating, thinking correctly. It's insane. I've never wanted to leave this world as much as I have this week. I mean I know there are people in this world suffering from so much worse, but I'm letting God handle that. Ya know? I'm losing everyone.

I talked to Jim for maybe 45 minutes today. It was cute - he called me to check on me. I felt important. Haha. He is totally the sweetest guy ever. He cares unlike a lot of people and it means so much to me. I just hate seeing him hurt like this. He has taken on the father role for his brothers because his dad isn't a dad. His dad is like.... a burden. As horrible as that sounds, it's kinda the truth. None of them want him there, a couple of them want him dead. Jim is falling apart. I can see it. He doesn't know I can see through him like a window, but I can. And it's hard. :(

I just felt so helpless today. I wanted to be there to hug them and say "everything's gonna be ok". But I wasn't. All I could think about was how I wanted them out of that mess. I broke down because of how helpless I felt. I wanted to be there more than anything to give their dad a piece of my mind because believe me, if I had been there, he would've gotten it.

I'm scared that the emotional abuse he has thrust upon his family will soon turn into physical abuse, and if that happens, I don't know what I can do. I'm trying to be there for them, but it's hard with them not being here. Sometimes all you really need when you're broken is an arm around you. With them not here physically, I can't do that for them. And it hurts. It hurts SO bad.

Their dad has really done it this time.
Now, not only has he taken things from them, he's taken one of the biggest pieces of my life away from me. My love, my family, my best friends. That's one of the biggest pieces to this puzzle, and now it's missing. And I'm looking for it harder than I've ever looked for anything. But this piece is hidden REALLY well. And that's what makes me so miserable.

The puzzle doesn't just represent my life, but it also represents my heart. And without that puzzle piece, my heart is broken. And that puzzle piece won't be back. Only maybe 1/3 of that puzzle piece... and that won't be for another 4 or 5 years.

Therefore... my life is broken. My heart is broken. My soul is broken. And I sound like an emo girl writing poetry about black roses in a cemetery so I'm gonna go before I depress everyone.