Tuesday, August 04, 2009


"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

Dear Diary,

So yesterday it somehow slipped my mind that it's been a week since we said goodbye. Today made up for it. Today was hard. I cleaned my dressing room today and then was half asleep for the rest of the day. I felt like a zombie. Every once in awhile I would find myself crying and I wouldn't even actually realize it. It feels like it's been so much longer than a week.

Isn't something supposed to happen when things get to be this bad? I had 2 good days in a row - Sunday and Monday - then today.... I'm worse than I was all of last week. And I want to know how it's possible for that to happen. I guess things have to get worse before they can get better.

I hid my emotions all day. It seems like the easiest thing to do lately. It's like my entire life as of now is revolving around pain. And I want to know why this keeps happening. I lashed out at people today who totally didn't deserve it. I was just really... lost. If it hadn't been for the youtube vids, I wouldn't have even bothered to put on make up or get dressed. I know that if I put on make up, I'll just cry it all off.

I often find myself just staring at the ceiling. Everytime I look up there, I see Jim's face and I feel the slightest bit happier. But then... after a few seconds.... it fades away. It's like those pictures you stare at without blinking for 30 seconds, then you look at the ceiling or the wall and see the picture still.... only this is different. This picture that fades away is something that's actually meaningful to me. But it fades away and it's just like saying goodbye again. Only with these pictures, I can't be in his arms or lean my head on his shoulder. It's just a picture.

I'm at the point where I don't know what to do anymore. My brother is annoyed because every time he comes in my room, I'm crying and he already knows what's wrong, but he's gotten to where he doesn't care anymore. I'm just tired of hurting. Isn't everyone? I question why God loves us but then puts us through this heartache. Then I remember God went through so much more pain on that cross than we could ever possibly imagine. And I also have to remember that everything happens for a reason. But I'm tired. I'm tired of lashing out at everybody because I'm hurting. I'm tired of not being able to sleep or eat very much. I'm tired of telling people that I'm "okay" or that I'm "fine" when I'm NOT at all. But I feel like if I tell someone that I'm not ok everytime, it's going to get annoying and there's nothing anyone can do about it so what's the use? I'm breaking and I feel like I can't help it. I've tried everything. I'm lonely. Even out in the middle of crowds, I'm lonely.

Then I realized today that mine and Jim's 1 month anniverssary is on the 16th and I won't be able to see him on anniverssaries either. It just hurts. Not being able to be with him is torture. It's not just torture -IT'S HELL!

Then school starts on the 24th and I feel like I just need to see them one time before school starts - and then think how impossible that is.

I'm just torn. I'm broken and shredded and hurt.

How pathetic am I? I'm feeling sorry for myself constantly. Even though it's human nature, it's not an excuse.

I'm going to bed before I bore everyone to death.