Sunday, August 02, 2009


It's seriously August? SERIOUSLY?!?! It can't be August. Time has flown by. I can't believe it's been a week since I said goodbye to the J's. I hate this. I am so torn. And school starts soon! I can't even THINK about school! It's crazy! It CANNOT be AUGUST already! It makes me sad.

Lately without the J's, I've seriously been reading Jeffree Star's twitter updates!!!! HOW SAD IS THAT?!?! If any of MY friends were doing that I would scream at them for it. Maybe. Idk. I'm so confused. I'm literally losing my mind. LITERALLY! I feel like the 87 year old cat lady that you always hear about but never see. I've been saying really weird thinggs lately like instead of saying "Michael Jackson" I said "Michael Johnson". And I said "I lost my mom" rather than "I lost my guitar pick". Random stuff.... and I feel like a freak.

And now I'm breaking down as I write this. "World of Chances" by Demi Lovato just came on itunes. For some odd reason, it reminds me of Jim.

I've cried SO much this week that now I just laugh at random times because why? I have no idea. It's just sad. I am so lost. Why do people leave? Whether it's moving or death or even leaving and coming back, PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE! And I know there are people who have lost so much more than I, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts! I've lost so many people and I hate sitting here feeling sorry for myself in front of the entire world, but I feel like that's all I can do. I went outside and sat in the driveway for a little while and just got so depressed I had to come inside. Nothing is right. I cleaned my room up a little bit thinking "If I keep myself busy, I'll forget about it." And it didn't help at all. I tried playing guitar, but ended up playing "Wrapped In Your Arms" so that didn't help. I listened to David Archuleta and Demi Lovato but they both have songs that remind me of Jim. In fact half of their albums remind me of him. I tried watching TV, again... I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's bugging the crap out of me.... so here I am focusing on it rather than trying to avoid it because nothing will work trying to avoid it.

It's as if I'm walking around with a fish slapping me in the face every 3 seconds.... like I'm living that way. See? I'm losing my mind. That was totally irrelevant. Haha... fish. Idk. I'm lost and confused and I'm trying to make mysef laugh but I can't! I don't know how to live! Honestly, I CANNOT FUNCTION AT ALL ANYMORE! And I feel like I shouldn't even be here. My life as far as I know is gone because without the J's, without my best friend, I'm worth nothing. At least not to myself. And I cannot stop crying.

I had been wearing my pajamas for who knows how long and I FINALLY changed clothes today. Didn't help. At all. Nothing helps. I fake happiness some of the time because I'm just like "I'll convince myself that I'm actually happy"... but I'm not and in doing that not only am I lying to everyone around me, but I'm lying to myself.

Is love really supposed to hurt? I thought it was supposed to feel great. I guess the love part does, but it's missing someone that tears you apart. But you get hurt in the process of loving. I learn to love the people in the places I live, then we move and I lose them. I love certain people and then they die. I love certain people and they move. I love certain people and they turn on me. It's being victimized that hurts. And it hurts more than anything.

And I can't even fool myself into thinking I'm happy.... because I'm not. And I think I've made that very clear. I've never been unhappier.

And it absolutely, completely, truly, honestly, thoroughly, totally, ultimately, altogether... sucks.