Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Good grief.

I feel like it's been forever since I posted when I really only skipped one day.
So is anyone tired of reading about my "pain" and "sorrow". If so, click the 'X' button in the top right hand corner, because this is only getting worse.

So 3 days ago, I lost my best friend. I got her back, then lost her again yesterday. This time it was hardly my fault and this time she walked out all on her own. I'm sure she will not be back this time.

Has anyone ever said anything to you that was so hurtful, you felt like you had just been stabbed in the heart with a knife? That is happening to me a lot lately. If someone even implies that I'm fat, it hurts. I've heard it all before. I'm fat, I have a big forehead, I have a big nose, I'm a whale, etc. But it never hurt me so much until now. People are starting to beat a dead horse. I'm already down and it's like I don't need any criticism or judgement. If anything right now I need encouragement, but this cruel world hardly gives any of that now a days.

I have been telling myself "I can't let it offend me. I can't be pushed around like this. I won't let it happen." but I do.

Especially when the worst of it is now coming from my former best friend. I never thought she would say such things as she is saying now and it is non stop pain over and over and over.

I feel like I'm left with nobody. My brother is too young to understand any of this, my mom is wrapped up in her job. My dad and I don't really speak at all. I mean I can talk to the J's on the phone about it or text them about it. But they aren't here.

They're not here. And they won't ever be again but for maybe a couple of days to visit, then they'll be back in OK. That's hard. Knowing they won't be here this weekend, or the next, or the next. I feel like I've said this a million times. Like it's becoming deja vu.

I miss them. So much. I just felt complete when they were here. Now they aren't. I feel like a magnetic force has been broken. Like they were one magnet, Daniel and I were another, and those magnets that are always supposed to be together aren't there anymore. There's so much space between them.

The people that I've been closest to are always the ones that are taken away as soon as possible. I wouldn't be surprised if my mom or my brother died next week or even tomorrow. Who else can I possibly lose? Last time I said that, I got jinxed but this time.... it's different.

I died and came back to life. Only when I died, I didn't go where I expected to. There was a place filled with fire. There were screams of rage and hatred and fear from every direction. Bodies were burning everywhere I looked. I thought it was just a replay of the holocaust before I met Satan face to face. He's a creature, a deciever.... this slimy, rotten beast. Then I woke up. My nightmare was over. But it's not. I'm still living in it.